you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Randomize
