i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
