this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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