did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
