Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
