you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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