apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it's great music for shaving your balls
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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