I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
