I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
