If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She announced her abortion via fbk
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
