So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
