Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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