omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
