Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
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also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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