Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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