I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
