My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
