John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
