you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
