I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
