Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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