why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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