Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
