so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
