He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
