I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
