I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
