Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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