So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
