We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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