Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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