You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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