Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
