Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
