I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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