I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
