nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
