I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
