a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
