It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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