Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
