I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
