if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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