I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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