I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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