i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
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Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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