this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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