woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
