Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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