there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
