So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
