Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
