Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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