the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
