Where is the hickey?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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