Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
