alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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