he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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