Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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