It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
