something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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