Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Randomize
